Now, we arrive at the ending…

Weve made it!

I have watched every film Steven Seagal has starred in.

I have been thorough.

Most of them I have seen twice.

These are the five I enjoyed the most.

And, to reiterate what I stated in part one of this series, I do love these films.

I dont sarcastically love them.

I dont ironically love them.

Thats on you, if thats how you respond.

People smirking off to the side and chucking stones while not actually contributing anything.

If thats your bag, then go ahead.

If Ive learned anything watching Steven Seagal films, its that these are the best ones.

Ad content continues below

5.

Out for Justice

Hes a cop.

Its a dirty job… but somebodys got to take out the garbage

Steven Seagal IS Gino Felino.

Reader of The Beano (unconfirmed).

Richie is a reckless, unhinged psycho who has angered his mob bosses as much as he has Gino.

As Gino chases down this rotten-breathed diarrhoea-chugger he uncovers secrets and shatters bodies.

Bad guys seem to queuing up to stand in his way.

Its a poor decision, because you cant stop a Seagal who is…Out for Justice!

So we get 35 minutes of that, before a delightfully splatterful finale.

The story inOut for Justiceis triggered by the most brazen murder Ive ever seen.

Then he just swaggers away, looking exactly like the easily identifiable William Forsythe.

Forsythe puts in a great turn in Out for Justice and is a disturbingly believable bad guy.

Still, this is Seagals show.

Particularly your groins.).

Theres a butcher shop beatdown, which sees Seagal cleaver a mans leg and cause general meat carnage.

Our for Justiceis must see, though, for the pool hall scene.

My goodness, the pool hall scene.

Battleship besieged by terrorists.

Lone man fighting to save the ship…

Steven Seagal IS Casey Ryback.

Ryback is the chef on a battleship.

Hes a nice chap and seems harmless enough.

These guys are professionals.

They can handle twenty marines and a hundred cooks!

Oh Tommy Lee Jones.

I think chef Casey Ryback is Steven Seagals most famous role.

Its not his best, Id argue, but it is pretty great.

One, I dont date musicians, and two, I dont kill people.

Now take this machine gun and start blowing some mothers away.

All right, the cake scene still isnt bad.

Under Siegeis mostly notable for its villains.

Credit to Tommy Lee Jones, as for a good chunk of time its actually competitive.

As the film proceeds, Tommy Lee Jones swings between angry and joyously mad.

Presumably his jaw was trying to escape so it could see what Gary Busey was up to.

Perhaps competent rather than spectacular, the simple set-up ofUnder Siegefacilitates a fun last hour.

Above the Law

He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam.

He has a master 6th degree blackbelt in Aikido… and family in the mafia.

Hes a cop with an attitude.

Steven Seagal IS Nico Toscani.

A former CIA man, a cop, a husband, a father and a bone shatterer.

When a bomb goes off in a church, Nico takes it pretty personally.

But who can he trust?

Seagals screen debutAbove the Lawis a blast.

If you note the above tagline, youll see they really stacked Seagals character with badassness.

Like, nearly all of them.)

InAbove the Law, we get some stills of him learning these painful procedures.

Above the Law is just a proper late 80s action film, complete with synthy score and bright look.

Hard to Kill

Hes L.A. detective Mason Storm.

Three hired assassins left him for dead.

And hes waited seven years to even the score.

Steven Seagal IS Mason Storm.

Unfortunately for just about everyone involved, the villains interrupt his thrusting with shotguns.

Leaving Mason for dead, Mrs. Storm actually dead and Storm jnr.

scampering, they may think theyve got the job done.

He may be outgunned and outnumbered, but Mason Storm is…Hard to Kill!

Phwoar.Hard to Killis a pretty satisfying watch.

Hard to Killis notable amongst other Seagal films for some flashes of flair in the writing.

The script also features the excellent, tongue in cheek line The deader he is the safer he is.

To the blood bank.

Seagal is teamed up with real wife at the time Kelly Le Brock.

Also, wonderfully, groin strike Seagal strikes again against groins.

Youll also likely dig Seagals coma beard and the whole 90s feel of this movie.

Marked for Death

Hes a good cop in a bad mood.

Steven Seagal IS John Hatcher.

Its a dreadful decision that sets Hatcher off on a limb-shattering quest for revenge.

Im a fucking made man says that smug shit Jimmy Fingers.

Hatcher shoots Jimmy through the face.

While the above perfectly illustrates how brilliantMarked for Deathis, allow me to top you up with some words.

Holy macaroni,Marked for Deathis brilliant.

Screwface (Basil Wallace) is a punctured hate pipe, spraying malice and violence in all directions.

The Jamaican gang and their tactical tool of voodoo add flavour toMarked for Death.

That said, theyre still nowhere close to a match for Seagal.

They were both wrong.

Silenced sniper shots and sudden samurai swords see Seagal to an unsettlingly slaughterful success.

Its a really wonderful last 20 minutes, crammed full of carnage.

Oh, and Seagal duets on the end credits song.

The Seagallion Stallions masterpiece, you have to seeMarked for Death.