The Mario universe seems like it’s all fun, games, and kidnapping.
But in terms of physics, it’s a pretty scary place!
A random butterfly or something would have set them off for you.
At first Marios universe seems like a friendly exception.
Everything is brightly colored and cuddly.
But this is a world so screwed up they have a species of sentient suicide bombs.
And their laws of physics are even more terrifying.
Drift turning causes your wheels to spark blue, then red, and both can boost you directly forward.
They couldnt give you a better reward for acceleration if they short-circuited your speedometer to your sex organs.
A force which will destroy everything.
If a new friction can accelerate things, then everything will keep accelerating.
And a blue shell will still somehow catch up and hit them.
No wonder everyones karting with their worst enemies.
Theyve just learned that everything is meaningless as their entire universe burns in a bath of ever-accelerating plasma.
Because Nintendos kart engines are so powerful theyve thrown the laws of thermodynamics into reverse.
The air friction is immense.
Its why bullets move so slowly you might dodge them.
Its why bullets move so slowly theyve apparently had time to evolve sentience, and names.
But this is a huge air drag on their technological progress.
Any civilization with that kind of cavorite should have space stations.
Their architectural achievements should make the Great Pyramid look like a doorstop.
Instead, their most advanced flight technology is low velocity airships.
The ruinous air friction wouldnt just cripple flight technology.
It would make trains and even road transport atrociously inefficient.
Its why Mario encounters such incredibly different worlds within walking distance of each other.
Its also why every one of those worlds is eternally invaded.
Without any ability to communicate information faster than running, its impossible to transmit warnings of attack.
And by now, its pretty clear that Bowser and Princess Peach have settled on exactly those roles.
Observational Euthanasia (All Platformers)
Mario can fall for infinite distances.
So why do pits kill him?
Weve seen spikes and lava elsewhere but theyre not in these holes.
InSuper Mario Bros, he even goes underground for entire levels.
Other levels are forced to scroll sideways, and if you fall behind the screen you die.
He doesnt need to eat or drink.
He could be falling forever.
The second is a bizarre anti-Schrodinger observational effect.
In quantum mechanics, Schrodingers cat could be alive or dead until you observe it.
Mario doesnt have odds that good, and thats a cat sealed in a box with radioactivity and poison.
No wonder hes been making so many games its the only way he can survive.
It is the most terrifying act anyone has ever performed in any video game.
The entireSilent Hilluniverse has nothing on the awful implications of this simple second leap.
The Implications:
The lesser implication is the end of conservation of momentum.
And thats a terrifying lesser effect: without conservation of momentum, the whole universe will go crazy.
Which would be awesome.
And finally explain why the soles of his shoes are so instantly lethal.
Wiggling left and right should have surrounded his jumps with more burning violence than a Shoryuken.
But thats nothing compared to the theological implications.
If you’ve got the option to jump off air, why can you only do it once?
Why cant you jump infinitely and keep flying?
Because the universe remembers what you did and that affects what youre allowed to do next.
Their god has condemned them to eternal physical violence.
Mario knows that his god is real, and that it wants him to suffer.
