We check out every Steven Seagal film released last year.
There were quite a few of them…
2016 was an eventful year for Steven Seagal.
But we arent here to dissect Steven Seagals off-screen life because, well, fuck.
What we can do is give a shot to make some sense of his cinematic output.
Thats five in total.
Ive got the other two in from North America.
Seagal has really honed his signature performance down to its very essence.
Its quite a still essence.
Unfortunately,Code Of Honourisnt very good.
The dude hunting Seagal is deeply in love with him.
In particular hes impressed as hell that Seagal has taken up smoking: Smoking cigars now?
And I thought he was perfect!
he says out loud to himself, and then likely writes in his feelings journal off screen.
It wouldnt be a Seagal film if those locked in deadly combat with him werent absolutely smitten.
Theres also Seagals signature strip club scene.
The sequence here features so much stripper slow motion that Im able to draw the dancers breasts from memory.
I shouldnt have, though, and I accept that I did ruin Auntie Carols get well soon card.
The final Seagal treat here is a rare walkaway explosion.
Some of Seagals other, less enjoyable, movie traits are also present.
Lazy body double work featuring a performer who looks nothing like him also makes an unwelcome reappearance.
Towards the end of the movie we get a surprising twist.
Suddenly, we cant be sure Steven Seagal exists.
Hes like Seagalser Soze or Santahhhhhh!
Has the main character been imagining Steven Seagal for the entire movie?
If so, I totally get it.
Whenever I get bored during a film I imagine Steven Seagal is in it too.
Further reading:OurinterviewwithCode Of Honordirector Michael Winnick.
These banks are heavily stocked with cash as mob boss Gan (Seagal) is stashing his money there.
Steven Seagal appears on screen and immediately agrees to a sword fight with a sword master.
Seagal practices martial arts with his companion in several scenes.
Its gentle and flute music plays in the background, all very sensual and spiritual.
It was the case inCode Of Honorand its the case inAsian Connection, too.
In fact, its the case in the majority of the films on this list.
The character doesnt match her narration.
The whole film is erratic and wonky.
As it stands its not very good, and it doesnt feel like a Seagal film.
Im all for him branching out but the films will need to be good.
This is a tatty Tarantino rip off or a desperately poor take on Elmore Leonard.
A plucky young photographer joins a small group of soldiers on the rescue mission.
Theyll be heading into enemy territory to recover the wounded warrior and Seagal, their beloved…Sniper!
The team behindSniper: Special Opshave done well to guess that.
Sniper: Special Opsstarts out slow, which is fine if youre planning on ramping things up.
It turns out that its not fine.
Seagal spends the majority of the film off screen.
Seagal and his roommate make a funny pair.
The injured solider is sweating up a storm and will likely never walk again.
Hes only sticking around because his fellow soldier needs him.
The injured solider is distressed while Seagal is collected.
Seagal doesnt really need to be rescued, you see.
Sniper: Special Opsfeatures the most unbelievable Seagal stand-in cover up that Ive ever seen.
Not-Seagal literally does a head-scratch/hat adjustment move to keep his hand in front of his face.
Seagal wasnt willing to walk through a door?
You couldnt have moved the camera so we didnt see his face?
What do we even need this shot for?
What is going on over there guys?
The shootouts are terrible.
Theyre all just mid shots of dudes firing guns for far too long.
How do you make a shootout dull?
There are no strippers, which is mad for a Seagal film.
The only reason to see it is for Seagals fleeting appearances in a nice army scarf.
Release date:December (North American home video release)
Character name:Steven Seagal IS The Director.
Not of the film, thats just his characters name.
Ive made a mistake and I wish Steven Seagal wasnt in…The Perfect Weapon!
Its 2029 and propaganda videos starring Steven Seagals face are playing all over the sides of tall grey skyscrapers.
Even then, its just more of his terrible monologues.
Id have gone with the pool hall scene fromOut For Justiceor the last 20 minutes ofMarked For Death.
I trust you, the fine commenters of this website, not to suggest the cake scene fromUnder Siege.
The Perfect Weaponstarts poorly, with the opening scenes suggesting a duff sci fi take on theHitmangames.
Only, where the hell is he?
Scenes set in strip clubs are a magnet for the renowned villain shatterer.
Perhaps hes absent because there are strippers of both genders.
Could it be that weve finally found Seagals weakness and its mens nipples?
How can I explain myself here?
The film is just a seemingly endless sequence of strange, poorly considered scenes tumbling into one another.
Seagal first appears 22 minutes in.
Hes sitting down again, but defies expectations by standing up.
This is clearly one of his more involved modern performances.
He is, shockingly, chilling with a much younger woman.
He also has a samurai sword.
He reappears about 40 minutes later, laying a reassuring hand on a naked woman.
I paid more than 15 for this film.
While its another short Seagal show, it is remarkable because his character dies!
Another crap one, this.The Perfect WeaponisUniversal Soldierreimagined for the glue sniffer in your life.
Thats trouble right there.
In my life trouble always comes in a small black dress.
Thats an excerpt from Seagals narration.
Seagal and the woman hes working with (former Sugababe Jade Ewan) dont trust each other.
Thats new, because usually everyone in a Steven Seagal film adores Steven Seagal.
Similarly, the bad guys cant trust each other as theyre all villainous shitbags.
That love manifests itself physically.
Is it a bit mumbly?
Look, Steven Seagal invented mumblecore cinema, which hipsters have been fawning over for years.
Unfortunately, at times Seagal is left to ramble on.
Im a fucking ghost, he says inEnd Of A Gunand probably every other film in this article.
Its likeGroundhog Dayexcept Im doing it to my own DVD player.
Its likeGroundhog Dayexcept Im ah, you get the joke.
Seagals directionless monologues are splattered onto this film like kebab sick down the side of a minicab.
End Of A Gunis alright; theres some good stuff in here.
