And here is it…
They wont just say that sounds great, lets do it.'
It remains the only time Tonys been wrong, so I like to remind him about it.
Of course, his note of caution was utterly justified.
As Ive since learnt, making a film is like trying to wrestle an octopus into a carrier bag.
Theres a lot of different arms involved and it could all split apart at any moment.
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We were, after all, new to all this.
Thankfully, BBC Films totally got what we were trying to do and commissioned us to write a script.
They really are the best arm you could ask for on any octopus.
Croydon that is, not the Wetherspoons.
We dont live on either side of the same pub… though there might be a sitcom in that?
(makes note).
Anyway, it was an inauspicious first day.
Ben called me when I was on the train back to Brighton to check that I was OK.
Apparently Croydon was on fire.
It was the first day of the now eponymous riots.
But we went back the next day and found locals banding together to clean up the debris.
We named a character after it gave it an Earl.
The Earl of Croydon…
Admittedly hes a villain, but he does have incredible hair.
Image: Simon Farnaby as The Earl of Croydon.
Instead lets fast-forward through two and half years of re-writes and octopus-wrangling to North Yorkshire in January 2014.
The fact we were in York speaks volumes about the precarious nature of film-making.
The original plan was to shoot six months earlier, south-west of Paris.
But the octopus wriggled and Yorkshire in Winter became the new France in Summer.
Im not going to lie to you it was a slightly colder.
But it absolutely made the film.
York Minster, Selby Abbey, Skipton Castle every Tudorish location we required, Yorkshire provided in spades.
Image: Filming at The Treasurers House, Yorkshire.
However, it also provided something else in spades.
Or, rather, buckets…
Remember that winter where Britain got so wet that it basically became an archipelago?
Image: The River Ouse, York.
And that included our boat.
The one we needed for our river sequence.
The one with the big stunt in.
Image: A cold idiot, York.
Well do it in Bolton became our go-to mantra when the going got tough.
Bolton Castle, on the edge of the dales, was our last major location in Yorkshire.
So, as dropped shots were reinserted into the schedule, putting them at the end was logical.
Image: Castle Bolton.
But it was outside that it really came into its own…
Tudor London isnt there any more.
Apparently there was some sort of fire.
Anyway, thats a bit of problem when youve written a film thats set there.
On an endless budget, you just build a new one.
But we werent a Hollywood production.
So Simon Scullion, our designer, hit upon an idea.
What if you build Tudor London INSIDE the castle ward.
So thats what we did rebuilt London inside a castle.
But, on camera, the effect is uncanny.
Image: Tudor London from above.
Image: Tudor London as seen on-screen.
Suffice to say that it was seven unforgettable weeks out of five unforgettable years.
And the octopus made it into cinemas with the bag intact.
Image: Our final slate, at The Globe.
Bill is on BBC Two tonight, at 6pm.
