Razzle dazzle, ladies and gentlemen!
The 86th Academy Awards are upon us and we are so terribly excited.
(Yes we are.
You should be excited about the Oscars.
Drink the Kool-Aid, as Americans say, smile dazzling smiles and clap enthusiastically every 15 seconds.
Oh, its so terribly exciting!)
The main reason it grips the cultural consciousness, however, is the tantalising question: Who wins?
Any of the nominees could potentially win an Oscar and oh, its so exciting!
To do this I turned to extraordinary, unorthodox methods.
Also known as astragalomancy, this is a straightforward game of chance dictated by the whims of gods.
Dice are rolled for each competitor and the individual tallying the highest numerical total comes out as the victor.
in reaction to each surprising roll.
Best Supporting Actor
Divination method Cassandra the Psychic Wonderhorse.
Placing potatoes representing all the nominees before her, I waited upon the Wonderhorses fateful choice.
Barkhad Abdi forCaptain Phillips Cassandra passes on the Abdi potato.
Bradley Cooper forAmerican Hustle Cassandra ignores the Cooper tuber.
Michael Fassbender for12 Years A Slave Cassandra shuns the Fassbender tater.
Jonah Hill forThe Wolf Of Wall Street Cassandra ambles over to the Donnie Azoff-lookalike spud and takes a chomp.
Best Actress
Divination method Tarot.
Cate Blanchett forBlue Jasmine King of Wands which signifies authority honest and conscientious entrepreneur.
Sandra Bullock forGravity The Stars which signifies Hope positive omens, new ideas, peace.
Judi Dench forPhilomena Seven of Chalices which signifies Revelation creativity, discovery, supernatural vision.
Meryl Streep forAugust: Osage County Nine of Pentacles which signifies Cheerfulness joyful reunion with relatives or friends.
Best Actor
Divination method Spaghetti Casting.
Leonardo DiCaprio forThe Wolf Of Wall Street A thick batch of spaghetti clings tight to the surface.
This indicates courage in the face of adversity though the signs do not necessarily portend to success.
Chiwetel Ejiofor gets the glory according the predictive pasta shapes.
Culinary types who want a second opinion should perhaps dabble in pestomancy.
Best Director
Divination method Fortune cookies.
Theyre also easier to get your head (and teeth) around than Chinese astrology.
Alfonso Cuaron forGravity Its like a finger pointing at the moon.
Concentrate on the finger and you will miss all that heavenly glory.
Steve McQueen for12 Years A Slave Friendship is an ocean that cannot see the bottom.
Alexander Payne forNebraska Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
David O Russell forAmerican Hustle Every friend joys in your success.
Martin Scorsese forThe Wolf Of Wall Street You have offended my family and you have offended the Shaolin temple.
The wise cookies conclude that David O Russell will be hailed as Best Director for hisAmerican Hustle.
Best Picture
Divination method Ellen DeGeneres Poster Oracle.
Look at the official poster for the 86th Academy Awards a nice photograph of host Ellen DeGeneres.
Now look back at me.
Six hours have just passed.
To look at that image is to find yourself mesmerised by DeGeneres hypnotic visage.
Yes, youre under.
You canread James last column here.
