The first Home Alone film to skip cinemas.

Home Alone 4, though, had problems on its hands.

Not least recasting the original roles…

Spoilers lie ahead.

MP3 players and Chemsex or whatever.

So it was that we ended up withHome Alone 4: Taking Back The House.

Alex Pruitt hero to dozens though he was simply wouldnt work in a post 9-11 era.

It simply wasnt feasible for children to fight terrorists.

That was something grown men with no education and low employment prospects had to do.

There was only one thing left to do with the franchise.

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Good news for anyone who hated Alex Pruitt (i.e.

everyone who sawHome Alone 3).

For this film were back with the McCallisters.

But hold on a second!

Things look a little different.

Theyre living in a different house, for a start.

And also all their faces have completely changed.

Did they use the money from the sale of their last house to pay for extensive costmetic surgery?

Or does this take place in a parallel universe?

Its hard to say.

But its also not important, because things have gone sour in the HACU.

Its upset the kids.

Kevins carefree blonde mop has turned a maudlin brown.

Its never made entirely clear what happened.

Kevins mother suggests that his dad got stuck in a rut, which sounds unnecessarily graphic to me.

If I had to guess Id say the breaking point was a surprise baby with John Candys face.

But dont feel bad for Kevins probably-cuckolded father, because hes got a new wife.

While his dad and Natalie go about their high-powered jobs, Kevin settles into the unreasonably large mansion.

And hes brought his new wife, Vera.

Its more futuristic than Elon Musk riding a cloned T-Rex through EPCOT.

Its also drastically under-used as a narrative rig.

Still, this one gets to some action a lot quicker than most.

Were not 30 minutes into the film when the entire house has been flooded at least once.

Its not M. Night Shyamalan, but its at least competent in its misdirection.

Everyone speaks entirely in exposition.

This is a world without subtext.

In terms of eliciting any actual emotions, the film grossly overestimates the effectiveness of its own arc.

And yet shes not actively evil, she just doesnt really like Kevin and wants his Dad to herself.

Not unreasonable, given that Kevin flooded her house the first time he met her.

And at one point, Natalie says I dont understand people who watch movies over and over again.

with so little prompting that Im convinced its the screenwriter taking a shot at the films audience.

And also Buzz has lost several years off his age.

And everyones got mobile phones and stuff.

Take it or leave it.

First kill:Kevin shuts Prescott into a walk-in freezer.

He is frozen solid and mistakenly used as an ice sculpture centrepiece until its smashed open.

Gratuitous references:I mean, where do you start?

Half of the characters are walking gratuitous references.

Leaving that aside, Marv mentions Harry even though hes not in the movie.

At one point, Kevin offers to stay home alone: Ive done it before, he says.

Says his mother (yes, really dont remind us of the much better Home Alone movie).

Kevin lip-syncs in the bathroom mirror.

It just goes on and on, and never once comes up with anything as good as the original.

Schmaltz level:OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS.

And it immediately does.

Its a White Christmas.

Oooh, shes so evil!

Number of times anyone is home alone in this movie:NONE!

At least one friendly member of staff is ALWAYS there when Kevin is.

No more theatrical releases for you.

Genital injury motif:Fake Marv takes a model plane right in the sticky bandits.