Macaulay Culkin was gone, Alex D Linz and Scarlett Johansson were in.
Er, not many people’s highpoint…
Spoilers lie ahead.
Sure you’re free to, because you probably saw them both in the cinema.
A third movie was inevitable.
What the franchise needed was a new hero.
A new child star for America, and the world, to clasp to its collective bosom.
I think you probably know how this works out.
Already things are off to a bad start.
You might think that Hughes presence would lend this project some credibility.
Theres no polite way of putting this: its really bad.
The lead kid lacks the raw charisma of Macaulay Culkin.
But then so do all of the adult actors in the film.
Its fair to say that for the most part, the cast is not great.
Because you cant help going Its her!
When she was young!
though there was also a moment where Neil Flynn turned up and I was like Its him!
When he was young!.
The biggest problem is that it really drags.
Its not at all fun, it lacks the better qualities of the averageHome Aloneaction sequence (i.e.
inventive slapstick) and even this one doesnt happen until about an hour in.
The movies slower than an inbred sloth, and about as good-looking.
Things pick up once the home invasion section starts, but still manages to be broadly witless.
It doesnt help that a lot of the action involves a trained rat and a wise-cracking parrot.
The terrorists are all carrying pistols but they only ever shoot them when they fall off things.
The traps themselves are maybe as inventive as the first two movies, but a LOT more brutal.
Forget Clueso-esque slapstick, theres barely a booby-trap in this entire film that wouldnt kill its victim outright.
Im pretty sure he grows up to be Jigsaw, from the popularHome Alonespin-off series,Saw.
I can scarcely believe that this one got a theatrical release.
Which is good, because thats what all the other sequels are.
Most of these guys wouldve be dead before they got anywhere near the doors.
At one point one of Alexs traps involves dropping an ACTIVATED lawnmower onto his prey.
It only takes off the targets hair, but thats by accident rather than design.
Kid makes Ted Bundy look like Al Bundy.
Gratuitous references to previous movies:Nothing too overt.
You get people slipping on marbles and tumbling down stairs, but thats about it.
To be fair to Hughes, he was clearly trying something new.
Schmaltz level:Low.
Tree decoration scene:Nope.
Im not even sure this is set at Christmas.
Its definitely winter, but thats not enough at all.
Someone shouldve called Shane Black to punch this sucker up.
Alex has chicken pox so his parents keep leaving him at home while they run errands.
Its a miracle social services doesnt get involved.
Genital injury motif:One of the indistinguishable male terrorists takes a boxing glove to the penis.
Another takes a hockey stick to the groin.
He responds by creaking out the words and I quote: you smacked my winkie.
I demand the late John Hughes resignation.
