Groucho Marx’s Duck Soup soliloquy makes a sap out of Hamlet.
I think I finished with the George Carlin spare hair is fair poem and slunk back to my desk.
I didnt think I had a problem with my memory.
And this was in the days before video tape.
It was easier to remember because it is the best monologue ever performed in theater or film.
Call me an upstart, but it wasnt me that was defective, it was Shakespeare.
His much-heralded harangue isnt the greatest soliloquy ever written, but Grouchos political U-turn is.
It is the greatest monologue ever written and the most effectively delivered.
The words cover more ground.
The emotions span the full spectrum of human possibilities.
That doesnt make me wrong.
But in the end he chooses to do nothing.
Groucho makes a complete turn and goes into action.
There is no political or philosophical waffling.
Groucho had indulged in strange interludes before.
He happily hacked up Eugene ONeill and riffed on Aristophanes.
He and his brothers may have been uneducated, but that didnt make them unschooled.
His Excellencys journey through those words traverse worlds.
Mrs. Teasdale, you did a noble deed.
And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit in which it is offered.
But suppose he doesnt.
A fine thing thatll be.
I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept it.
Thatll add a lot to my prestige, wont it?
Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador.
Think of it I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept it.
So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
Duck Soupis well known as the classic satirical spin on the rising fascism.
It was prescient, it wasnt preachy, and the bad guys won.
The aside opens with a heartfelt expression of gratitude.
A mere supposition changes everything.
We see the inner Marxian machinations at work feeding nagging doubts of unworthiness, selfishness, and paranoia.
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Groucho punctuates the words by envisioning the humiliation he will personally endure.
He will be a laughingstock among his people.
He sees his place as a great ruler on an international stage crumble.
Firefly sees all the slights he endured at the hand of this man, both personally and politically.
He was the butt of a joke to a man who will laugh at anything.
He is cheapened by a man who wont even consider giving his country a loan.
Lets compare it to some notable solos.
InPatton, George C. Scott stays on an even plane during his rousing speech.
He is terrifying, blunt, reasonable, and ever-patriotic, but he does not have a journey.
InA Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson is badgered into an admission.
His arc is interesting, but his inner character does not move.
We all knew he was covering something up, and we knew he knew.
Scarlett OHara travels a great distance in her monologue inGone with the Wind.
Vivian Leigh goes from shattered to reborn through the fires of Atlanta.
The audience knows Scarlett will be alright in the end if she has to will it that way.
She could do it.
Leigh allows us into Scarletts damaged soul to watch as her inner strength is sparked.
We dont care what it costs.
Just dont let her go down like that.
But Humphrey Bogart does.
InThe Caine Mutiny, Lieutenant Commander Phillip Queeg is battered on the witness stand.
Hed worked his way up with crew who knew his intents before he had to say them.
Bogart is a marvel.
We see it all play out on his face.
He captures the animal nature of understanding.
Bogart subverts the breakdown, downplays it to the whimper of a mutt wanting to share its last bone.
It is a spiritual defeat, but it is singular.
Groucho casts a global arc and uses the speech to justify the means to his ends.
Firefly comes on the scene as a tyrant, tramping down on his citizens rights with his first edicts.
No ones allowed to smoke, or tell a dirty joke, and whistling is forbidden.
He forces the country to his moral will.
Freedonia was overworked and underpaid.
The work force demanded shorter hours and the Labor Department cut their lunch hour to twenty minutes.
Freedonia didnt have a standing army and needed a pretense to mobilize a war-time economy.
It wasnt national pride, but his personal feelings that had been hurt.
Trentino considered the fledgling Mussolini an upstart, an insult that a Firefly could never forget.
His ancestors would rise from their graves and he would have to bury them again.
Duck Soups screenplay was written by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.
Arthur Sheekman and Nat Perrin threw in extra dialog and Groucho also adlibbed.
So it is difficult to know who exactly came up with the monologue.
The film was directed by Leo McCarey and also featured Raquel Torres, Louis Calhern, and Edgar Kennedy.
Though not a flop,Duck Soupdidnt do well at the box office.
They were Vaudevillians making social commentary on a problem the world was still learning about.
As international artists they felt they should do whatever they could to ensure peace in the world.
They were assured their gesture captured the spirit of their time.
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But sometimes jokes fail.
People dont get it.
Things get lost in translation.
People take things the wrong way.
Jesse Owen expects a handshake after winning an Olympic medal in Germany.
Its not even two minutes long.
Now tell me what you know.
