Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
is a feeding frenzy that’s filled with itself.
They knew this was coming.
Oh Hell No, is right.
I was first assigned Sharknado because someone thought it was ironic.
That was alright the first time around, but, to paraphrase Jay Mohr, irony blows.
Much, much louder.
Or aSaturday Night Liveskit that goes on too long.
Pick any, or lets just say Land Shark.
That was one of SNLs tightest and briefest skits.
The Land Shark was the cleverest of sharks.
Any guest, from Richard Dreyfus to Candace Bergen to Tina Fey.
The Land Shark could disguise its voice.
The Land Shark preyed on young, single women.
I root for the sharks in this.
I say it now with the sharks.
If we learned nothing from Jaws, and we didnt, its that sharks are eating machines.
All they do is eat, poop and make little sharks.
Woody Allen taught us that when sharks stop moving, they die.
To see him turn his back on his finned friends in his ionic pentameter flying machine is heartrending.
Forget the acting, because really, there is none.
There are actors saying lines and theyre doing it enthusiastically and they have dayglow characters.
But this is a mugfest and people love it for being a mugfest.
Its the little rascals in CGI color only not as funny.
These are kids playing soldier in an empty lot that their daddy owns.
Nepotism doesnt mean someone believes in the sea god Neptune.
Thunder and the gang inherited the detritus of the Spelling dynasty and declared them superheroically kewl.
Id like to enjoy seeing Ian Zering eaten by the land sharks, but that candy gram never comes.
Hes too busy trying to one-up his chainsaw climax of last year in every single scene.
Even the subtle ones, hes got one eye out for a weapon.
I didnt know Tara Reid wasnt playing a shark until the middle of the second installment.
Its supposed to be making fun of itself but it cant because its too busy self-consciously loving itself.
Sharknado is basically a nationwide circle jerk with lots of buttered popcorn.
Bo Derek played Aprils mother, May.
Its subtle and becomes less funny each time you hear it, like the B-sharps on the Simpsons.
Jack Griffo plays Claudias friend, Billy.
Cassie Scerbo plays Nova, who still hasnt become a stripper after three installments begging her.
Frankie Muniz was a lifesaver, more of a breath mint than a floatation equipment, but still.
His rejoinders like finding mini trampolines in sharks almost brought comedy to this farce.
It was kind of tough seeing Malcolm be left with nothing but his middle.
But it was a creamy middle.
The guest stars are all grandstanders on their last stand.
Half the GOPs celebrity ticket is on the save first list.
Ann Coulter plays the Vice President.
Michele Bachmann plays with herself.
Mark Cuban says the words that were written for the President of the United States.
These are the people most likely to kick shark ass or at least tear up all of DC trying.
They immediately succeed in destroying Washington and the Sharknado is unleashed in bursts and storms.
Long-dead sharks at Seaworld come back to life to join in on the fun.
Teller has the best lines.
The best bit was probably the earliest.
The James Bond spoof.
Its a go-to gag so it doesnt really count.
Since Help and Get Smart, its kind of become the knock knock joke of filmed comedy.
Fin has got one heavy car for a two-door.
Thats a tough sports sedan.
Next season maybe well see NASCARnado.
Sharknado 3is awash with movie references but they overuse Bambi meets Godzilla.
The movie always has an eye on iconic imagery.
Now this is where they belong.
If only their lungs didnt implode the sharks could be perfectly happy with infinity as their ocean.
The force is too strong with Fin and he Jedi light sabers them into an oblivion bouillabaisse.
Im not an elitist.
I like bad movies, sometimes even when they intend to be bad.
ButSharknadotakes this to a far too cynical place to really enjoy the fun of it.
Every commercial is tied in to it.
Those films have heart.
The filmmakers tried to do something they believed in and failed, in the best cases gloriously.
This is just more fries than burger.
This is the corn syrup.
Sharks cant swallow that.
I didnt vote, but I would have voted for April to die.
Rating:
1.5 out of 5
