In an alternate universe, Tasha Yar is sending Fox Mulder dirty stories.
So is this fake humpathon worth a re-screening?
Red Shoe Diariesis a show about a man who cares what women think.
So its immediately wrong.
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The first episode that popped onto our screen wasYou Have The Right To Remain Silent.
Lets just pause for a minute here.
*
*It should be noted here that any similarity to Duncan Bannatyne is purely coincidental.
This episode is possibly the weirdest piece of soft porn Ive ever seen.
And Ive sat through a Mario Lopez erotic thriller.
The woman in this is played by real life woman Denise Crosby.
She alo played Tasha Yar inStar Trek.
Here she is…
We havent even got to David Duchovny yet.
Calm your bits and pieces, hes not in this one.
Well he is, but not properly, so well skip him and his bored mumbling for now.
Denise Crosby is in the gym, being a poor Vanilla Ice tribute act.
She spends the first five minutes giving us a dispassionate list of bits of mens bodies that she likes.
He was going to marry Trois mother apparently.
There follows ten minutes from an episode ofPolice Interceptors.
She tells him to spread em so she can inspect his lower fetlock and bum.
Then she takes him to an abandoned art gallery.
Rather than, say, a Wetherspoons.
Shed go nuts if the DFS sale ever ended.
This is also why she always had to stand up on the bridge inStar Trek.
We then get ten minutes of assorted bap flapping, while he looks disinterested.
God help him if hes left a casserole in the oven at home.
She also really loves condom shopping.
I only know colours from painting shows, so Im assuming it was one of those.
He finds all sorts of people sexy, including his bank manager and his own aunt.
at random intervals (all the time).
We sit through approximately six minutes of her shouting BULLSHIT!
while he feebly mounts her, all the time wishing we were watchingCelebrity Squaresinstead.
The story ends with them playing squash a month later.
Shes still shouting BULLSHIT!
This, sadly, did not get an episode.
Lets move on to the next episode.
Because that ones got a whole lot more David Duchovny.
Never let it be said that we here at Den Of Geek dont listen to our readers.
I swear the theme tune is the same music they have onDaily Politics.
We begin with what look like screenshots fromThe X-Files.
One minute in and theyre not doing any sex yet.
Jake meets some woman in that most American of all institutions a diner.
She recognises him fromRed Shoe Diaries, the SHOW SHES CURRENTLY IN.
Thatll teach me to sit here playing Freecell when Im supposed to be watching this.
The woman is all seductive.
She threatens to drink Jake under the table and quote some football stats at him.
Ive tried this with vodka and darts.
Jake now has a date in a caravan.
With two other people.
Jake looks uncomfortable, like hed really rather be at home watchingAntiques Roadshow.
Jakes date, Jo, has brought him along to watch her shooting a porno.
Ironically, it looks like shes doing shots for the10 Minute Freeview.
We should review that in another article.
They go back to his place/her place/a place, where Jo beats up a burglar.
Jake runs along behind her shouting let it go!
like crappy foreshadowing ofFrozen.
The burglar shoots them, but somehow misses, and they find this hilarious and sexy.
Cue some very angry sex indeed.
I think their safe word is I didnt use a coaster.
They live happily ever after, until Jo introduces Jake to her husband.
Her… wait, what?
I cant even understand the plot ofRed Shoe Diaries.
I am a bucket full of failure and wrong.
Jo says to Jake: I lost myself in you.
I like to think she added off camera: and my watch.
If you find it can I have it back like.
The moral of this story ladies?
If you like a guy, theres really no harm in taking secret photos of him or kidnapping him.
Its cheaper than taking him to Wetherspoons and buying a new bra.
