It’s time to rank the movies of the sparkly vampire franchise, The Twilight Saga…
However, Im not one of those who think theTwilightmovies are dramatic masterpieces.
I probably will anyway.
Ill just conveniently forget that Im not supposed to.
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Here we go then.
Plot:Bella cant decide between Edward and Jacob.
Meanwhile, Bella cant decide between Edward and Jacob.
Wins points for:the opening scene where Riley is bitten and turned into a vampire.
The origin stories of Jasper and Rosalie.
Hilarious nudity from the angry werewolves.
Jane (of the Volturi) turning up and being a badass.
Loses points for:Bellas wholly unconvincing attraction to Jacob.
Bellas wholly unconvincing wig.
Plot:Edward dumps Bella for her own good.
Bella hangs out with Jacob.
Jacob becomes a naked werewolf.
Wins points for:Bella not having everything her own way for once.
Head of the evil vampires being played by Tony Blair.
Loses points for:Lack of Cullens.
Also, Aro of the Volturi is played by Tony Blair.
Plot:Bella is now a vampire.
Jacob falls in love with Bellas baby daughter (really).
The Cullens and the werewolves have a fight with the Volturi, but not really.
The Carter Burwell score, particularly the opening.
Loses points for:The creepy CG baby with teeth, the it was all a dream ending.
Jacob falling in love with the creepy baby.
Aro being about as threatening as Nick Clegg, but still played by Tony Blair.
Ive spent roughly the last three hours trying to put the final three films into some sort of order.
Ive also been crying and eating cookies.
The good parts are awesome, but the bad parts are too bad to be forgiven.
Stephenie Meyer wrote the final showdown between the Cullens and the Volturi with no fighting.
She said she wanted it to be more like a courtroom battle of wits.
Similarly, Jacobsimprintingon creepy baby Renesmee was necessary if his alliance with the Cullens was to be explained.
Plot:Bella and Edward get married.
They have a boring honeymoon for about a month, where they do nothing but play chess.
Bella gets pregnant, presumably from all the chess.
Bella dies, but then doesnt.
In fact, everything about Bellas pregnancy is gruesome enough to make it interesting.
Plot:17 year old girl meets 104 year old teenage vampire.
They fall in love.
Some bad vampires pick a fight with them.
Then they go to senior prom.
Wins points for:Carter Burwells score.
The big reveal in the woods.
The fight in the ballet studio, the bad guys.
The endless blue filter, which I like.
Loses points for:Bellas limited facial expressions.
The endless blue filter.
In fact, it improves on some aspects of the book.
The casting is also spot on.
Thankfully this never materialised, and Lionsgate took over production, thus keeping the books loyal fanbase.
Put simply if you like the book, youll like the film, and this cant be underestimated.
TheTwilightmovie, is, like the book, an escapist story of romance and wish fulfilment.
It might not be everyones cup of tea, but it never intended to be.
However, as an adaptation of a bestselling book, it does a damn fine job.
