You know the rules.

Simon gets his jollies on by testing the mettle of various good-natured writers with hilarious consequences.

The phrase shooting fish is redefined.

We dont need a barrel.

We dont even need a gun.

The fish offers himself up voluntarily and says, Its a fair cop, guv.

But there is no crack of thunder as Simon decides my fate.

He doesnt stroke a white cat as his chair swivels round.

He doesnt even laugh demonically.

He just says oh dear, so Im hopeful.

The film sounds like cheese, but I consider myself the queen of fromage.

Its the performances around the edges of this film that initially make it so compelling.

What a waste of so many decent actors.

There has to be some special award for that.

Tim Robbins, especially, takes one reckless swing into the long grass here.

But still: memo to Tim Robbins agent: v poor, must see me.

These were his wilderness years, and this is his Joshua Tree.

This character has no soul.

Sad to say the vocal stylings are not so convincing, even given her obscenely husky speaking voice.

Even weirder, the terrible singing is not even her own.

Dear God, the singing.

But Charles cant help himself, even if he is a Ken doll.

Its unfair, but I dont want to think about Jon Cryer having a sexual thought.

As plot developments go, its treading the same dead water asWeekend at Bernies II.

sing a slow song with emotion.

As Niles Crane put it, sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

At this point, I Google for the actual singer, because I cant believe my terrified ears.

Turns out the voice belongs to Grammy-nominated Chrissy Faith.

Well, that told me.

Theres no word for reduntanter to describe this plot gear, so lets move on.

And what a performance it is.

Oh, younger Jon.

Then the girl with no bra gets married.

Even in a wedding dress, she doesnt wear a bra.

In case you were wondering.

True love, you see.

Its like watching a unicorn pulling off his horn and becoming a really sad horse.

Some people should never be seen naked.

Like family members, or Macaulay Culkin.

At least everyone keeps their clothes on for the airport scene.

Still, he seems happy enough.

Presumably he will get to go to Milan one day so he can buy himself another unicorn horn.

It will pass two hours in a more entertaining fashion than, say, unbunging the sink.

It is only three of your earth pounds.

And there are subtitles for the hard of hearing.

(Hey, why did nobody tell me sooner?)