The space bits are relatively by-the-numbers (other than being in space).
However, the script was probably written in crayon.
Chases happen without explanation, people randomly bump into each other, the utterly implausible is presented as mundane.
Purists think of Istanbul and weep.
But treat the whole thing as a comedy perhaps a gentle spoof and youll actually enjoy yourself.
A plot-hole drinking game will get everyone plastered.
The Villain:Weirdly good.
The master of the dry putdown James Bond.
You defy my attempts to devise an amusing death for you Hugo Drax almost steals the film.
Astoundingly impassive, and near-heroic in his refusal to shoot Bond whenever the opportunity presents itself.
The Girl:Uninspired.
As a film,Moonrakerisnt obsessed with characterization or motive.
Both girl and villain are affected.
But whereas Michael Lonsdale deadpans his way to success, Lois Chiles as Dr Holly Goodhead fares less well.
Far from the worst Bond girl but nowhere near the top half.
The vanilla ice cream of heroines.
Ad content continues below
MoonrakerisThe Spy Who Loved Meon a substance we perhaps shouldnt encourage.
And then proceed to do so.
Theoretically a disaster but what a blazing heap of fun!
And yet for some reason it occupies a special place in my heart.
we join Bond in the clinch of an air-stewardess.
Only shes an evil air-stewardess and promptly draws a gun on him.
Surely it would be easier just to shoot Bond and fly the plane?
Not just visually but narratively.
To stress the point: it isnt a very big plane.
ButMoonrakerfollows the manta of never apologise, never explain.
Jaws is there, get over it.
He just pushed Bond out of the aircraft.
Fortunately, Bond can fly.
Actually, I wont be snarky about the freefall fight.
Its an amazing sequence and apparently required something like 80 takes thats 80 different skydives.
80 skydives more than Id ever manage.
Sure, some of the physics confuses me can people really swoop around like that?
Where does the other guy vanish once Bond grabs his parachute?
but this is probably my ignorance.
I just wish Jaws wasnt there.
He mars any otherwise effective set-piece.
When he pulls the parachute chord off and starts gurning at the camera eesh.
The opening act at Chez Drax is pretty solid.
The flight simulator is perhaps the highlight of the film.
Makes you feel a bit sick which is certainly a mark in its favour.
But theMoonrakerversion is better because the idea of being dizzied to death is highly nauseating.
And doesnt Bond look sick!
Comfortably the most dishevelled moment of Moores tenure, and all the better for it.
Staging a shooting accident is all very well but insisting Bond carry a gun seems a tad overkill.
The sniper hidden in a tree across the field has a clear sight.
He looks pretty damn concealed to me but either Bond has heat-sensitive vision or hes developed radar.
So Bond takes a shot and then smirks Did I?
when Drax claims he missed.
Cue dead sniper dropping from tree.
Nobody seems much affected by this.
Bond hands back the gun and saunters off to his car.
Everybody continues about their day.
The fact Bond just capped an employee in broad daylight isnt considered a biggie.
Again, I dont quite understand why Drax doesnt just shoot him.
Now while crashing at Draxs pad, Bond seduces a French pilot named Corinne.
She helps him find some papers in a concealed safe but is spotted by Draxs evil Asian henchman.
So after Bond waltzes off the premises, Drax has Corinne torn apart by dogs.
Next we find ourselves in Venice, where Bond promptly youre still thinking about the dogs, arent you?
Poor Corinne hurries into the forest utterly stupid place to hurry and the dogs lollop after her.
She runs faster, dogs run faster.
Sad violins start playing.
Branches whip, trees impede… Then the dogs catch her and drag her down to the ground…
Honestly, it must be the most incongruous scene on celluloid!
A film that is basically a musical without songs has a sequence straight out ofGame Of Thrones.
Only I expect a woman to be torn apart by dogs inGame Of Thrones.
And nobody ever mentions it again.
Venice helps us forget Corrine by swiftly providing an utterly random gondola chase.
The coffin in a funeral boat opens and the inhabitant chucks a knife at Bonds gondolier.
Fortunately Bonds gondola is a souped-up gondola and he motors off down the canal.
No explanation is provided for any of this.
Presumably these are Draxs boys but how did they find Bond?
And how come Bond has a gondola with gadgets?
Do MI6 keep suitably weaponised vehicles in every major city on the off chance Bond turns up?
Most pressingly: how long was that guy hiding in the coffin for??
I shant deny it.
And I honestly do enjoyMoonraker.
In a weird, warped way I love it.
And celebrating the absurdities is partly how I love it.
Just remember: most of what I write here, I write with a smile.
The boat chase concludes with Bonds gondola sprouting wheels and driving into St Marks Square.
Italians gawp, waiters spill drinks, a pigeon double-takes.
The joke is identical to the Lotus driving out of the sea only without the novelty.
And yes: the pigeon is utterly risible and rather amusing.
Kinda like the film.
Isnt the bit where all the glass gets broken great?
Asian henchman Chang tries to kill Bond by dressing up as a samurai and chasing him around a museum.
Although Bond then misquotesCasablancaafter dropping Chang into a piano.
Bogart never said, Play it again, Sam!
So there was a laboratory is possibly my favourite line of the series.
Rather than alert the Venetian police, or Section V, Bond summons M and Fredrick Grey.
Grey is not amused.
What I love about this line is that the only possible inference is M thought Bond had been lying.
Sadly the potential monumental ramifications are never explored.
Vexingly for an astronaut, Holly Goodhead never quite takes off.
But it doesnt work here.
Lois Chiles is amiable but bland.
And Bond didnt kill her boyfriend.
One unintentionally amusing aspect of the Bond-Holly dynamic is their habit of randomly bumping into each other.
So after meeting Holly in England, Bond spots her in Venice.
A different country where they happen to be in the same museum at exactly the same time.
After leaving Holly in Venice, Bond spies her in Rio.
And neither bats an eyelid.
Jaws reappears in Rio.
I treat the Jaws ofThe Spy Who Loved Meand the Jaws ofMoonrakeras two separate characters.
It isnt that hard.
A once menacing figure is played entirely for laughs.
His durability is now that of Thor.
Jaws falls from the sky, crashes into a building, and plunges down a waterfall to no ill-effect.
A once effective joke totally escalates, and the temptation is to mount the highest of horses.
Grousing about Jaws, or about anything really, is missing the point.
The franchise is exploring the outer limits of its stupidity and theres something strangely liberating about that.
So cheer when Jaws gets a girlfriend why the hell not?
And obviously shes tiny, and bespectacled, and has massive breasts.
To which the only response is: really?
Height disparity?Thatswhere you draw the line?
Surprised pigeons, pass, amateur space travel, go ahead, but short girls dating taller men?
Another wonderfully serendipitous moment is Bonds discovery of Draxs lair in the Amazon.
He descends into the middle of the jungle and promptly spots a beautiful girl in a white dress.
She leads him to more beautiful women and the whole thing turns into a LOreal advert.
Then Bond falls in a pond and has to wrestle a very fake python.
Even narrowing the area, the Amazon River is pretty large.
The discovery is fortunate, to say the least.
Naturally the film takes it completely in its stride.
Like a finely seasoned Cheval Blanc, the man ages well.
When younger, I never warmed to Drax as a villain.
Wheres the mania, the disfigurement?
He looks like my old Geography teacher.
But, grown and wise, I now appreciate Drax and his expertly modulated trash talk.
You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.
Have some ointment for that burn, 007.
Let us take a moment to appreciate the utter mentalness of Draxs plan.
Extinguish the human race from outer space (hey!)
and repopulate Earth with genetically perfect specimens.
My question is simple: where does Drax find these people?
Thirty thoroughbred men and women happy to watch the extermination of humanity?
So youre fertile, which is good, and you look fantastic.
Tell me what are your thoughts on global genocide?
If you might overlook the outer space element, the space shuttle climax is actually quite mundane.
The zapping is veryStar Warsand bloodless.
The outcome is never in doubt.
At least Drax gets a decent demise.
Unlike Jaws who, inspired by the power of love, defects to Bonds team.
He actually works much better as a goodie, certainly in this film.
And limitless kudos for whoever thought of that payoff line.
The final globe-hunt is actually exciting.
Its an unnecessary but successful addendum that provides thrills at the very last.
Okay, so Bond looks like hes playingSpace Invaders, but then the whole filmsfeels like a computer game.
If youre being kind, you could almost view it as a very clever in-joke.
For the first time, reading back over myself, I worry Ive misjudged.
Because you cant takeMoonrakerseriously.
you could shun it, embrace it, demonise it but you cant takeMoonrakerseriously.
Any more than you could the village pantomime.
The beauty of 23 films and counting is that theres room for everyone.
Really the franchise has lacked a sense of adventure.
Where is the anime Bond?
Or the black-and-white Bond?
(Apparently Tarantino actually proposed this.
I wont watchMoonrakeragain for a while.
But when I next do, and I will, Ill make a night of it.
and OH NO YOU WONT!
And Ill have a ball.
