We try and make some sense of the utterly bizarre Thomas The Tank Engine movie.
What’s Peter Fonda doing in a cave with a lady train again?
Thomas and the Magic Railroadis an odd film.
But lets have a look, shall we children?
But whats this: starring Alec Baldwin!
And Thomas the Tank Engine, as himself.
This film is going to be worse than I remembered, isnt it?
Also, and Im not making this up, George Carlin replaced Ringo Starr in later seasons.
While we were stuck with the guy who played Ringo Starr, America got Rufus.
No wonder the kids were paying attention to him.
Listen to this dude Mr Conductor, he knows what hes talking about.
Its better than it sounds, if just for it being so damn weird.
But in this film, Alec Baldwin doesnt acutally narrate.
It gets annoying really fast.
So, we literally have 85 minutes of filler.
Therefore, we get Diesel being a massive dick, and trying to murder everyone at every opportunity.
Burnett is played by a comatose Peter Fonda.
Except this is a plot point.
Just let that sink in for a moment.
Im thinking he might not look quite so down if he had a real lady down there.
Hes apparently keeping her safe from an evil diesel, who made her go too fast.
He calls this a mistake he made, and wants to bring her back to life.
None of this makes any sense, even with the whole talking train thing.
Still, a bit of story happens: Diesel hires some goons then hits himself in the face.
Well, thats enough plot, so back to the filler.
Here we meet Mr Conductor, a tiny Alec Baldwin dressed as an ice cream man.
Hes small because… but he fits in on Sodor because… Look, everything there is small.
So Thomas and friends are actually models?
Is Sodor just some giant model in Will Ferrells basement?
Something about gold dust and a lost engine and a magic railroad.
This film is moving too fast, I cant keep up with it.
I mean, just how can these mysteries fit together?
Anyway, Alec Baldwin travels by gold dust, apparently, which he calls sparkle.
Typical man, am I right?
Fellow Den Of Geek writer Jenny Morrill at this point informs me that she finds this film perfectly normal.
Cut to the actual real world.
New York or something.
Shes played by Matilda.
Then, Harold covers everyone in diesels sneezing power after flying into shot for no reason whatsoever.
Im getting worried that Im not following the childrens film.
Apparently, theres an art to it.
Not too strong, not too sweet.
Jenny says that she doesnt want a cup of cocoa.
This inexplicably works, and Diesel sods off.
After muttering something incomprehensible about gold dust and railroads straight through the fourth wall, the scene abruptly ends.
Mr Conductor is scratching James, which James seems to be really getting into.
Then he sods off to the windmill.
Of course, the windmill!
Wait, what windmill?
You mean the one from the opening credits of the series?
Anyway, apparently it mills gold or something.
I dont know whats happening here.
Hes off to solve mysteries.
No, thats actually what he says.
This provokes him to phone his cousin Junior using a flower.
Junior is on a beach, you see.
He asks Junior to go get his emergency supply, which is in no way suggestive.
Also, Junior has a shell phone.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I dont get it.
I mean, not just the joke, I dont get what is happening now.
Film, explain yourself!
You stopped making sense about 30 minutes ago.
After arguing with her dog, she meets Junior, who is searching for Mr Conductors secret stash.
In fact, the only thing she seems interested in is the gold he left behind.
Mr Conductor is moping about (what is it with the men in this film?
To combat this, he decides to lie down in a ditch and hide.
Matilda reveals Burnett called her grandma Lady.
Wait, this isnt going where I joked it was going, is it?
That night, they hear the ghost train again.
Maybe he just lives next to Alton Towers?
You idiots, no wonder Gordon tried to murder you all those times.
Even the filler has filler.
But, this montage leads to the discovery of something completely unexpected… a magic railroad.
Wait, not unexpected, the other thing: obvious.
Seriously, this is supposed to be the mystery, despite being the title of the film.
Then, Diesel gets covered in coal in an unrelated skit.
Matilda and Patch are filling time in the movie dicking about in a tree.
But they dont go, they just ride a horse instead.
They ride over the lines on the map from before.
Gee, I wonder if theyll find a magic railroad.
Using magic, she becomes the same size as Junior.
Wait, theyve got a room.
Okay, get a better room that isnt a weird cave.
At this wonderful news, Burnett decides not to commit suicide and he sort of just wanders off.
You see, the withdrawal symptoms of gold dust can be fatal.
For the fortieth time, they re-explain the entire plot.
Literally no one could unravel this mystery.
Definitely cant have anything to do with Peter Fondas girlfriend.
Mr Conductor then has what passes for a good idea.
Why doesnt Thomas go through the magic railroad?
Actually, theres no reason he shouldnt.
This is never explained.
Peter Fonda you idiot.
No wonder youre so miserable, youve probably forgotten to eat.
This makes gold dust something London Midland should seriously look into.
And Lady comes to life!
I think the implication is that Lady is actually Peter Fondas wife.
Burnett shouts green for glory!
for no reason as he rides Lady all the way to Sodor.
Again, the size difference is never mentioned.
Definitely detecting a heroin metaphor here.
Plot threads continue to be unravelled, as Diesel returns.
After stalling for time for about five minutes, Matilda finally does, and it rains gold.
Peter Fonda tries to act pleased, but it mostly seems like hes bored.
He must miss his cave.
Finally, they all sod off.
Thomas just goes home.
I mean, its not great.
Its not even good.
But it is quite old fashioned and thats a nice thing.
Junior, played by Michael Rogers, could have been really annoying, but hes actually quite fun.
You could imagine him being a successful kids TV presenter.
Its just too… odd.
Sing along if you know the words!
