It’s nearly Christmas, so it’s time to watch, er, Santa With Muscles.
Because not enough films feature Hulk Hogan as Santa.
Who amongst us can honestly say theyve never looked at Santa Claus and thought Where are his muscles?
And shouldnt he be sleeveless with a handlebar moustache?
In fact, no, I am saying that Christmas would be better if Hulk Hogan was Santa Claus.
That might be the sexiest thing Ive ever written.
The kid is telling Santa about a bad man (the even worse millionaire fartblaster) who lives locally.
Kid, thats not how you write to Santa.
Worse still, this kid is writing to Santa to ask for something for someone else.
I know your game, suck-up kid.
So my first complaint about the film is on me.
That was me being judgemental and the film cant be held accountable for that.
I think youll find Im entirely blameless for all of the other ridiculous things inSanta With Muscles, though.
Thats what this article is; a look at some of the ridiculous things that go on in this.
Im sad to report thatSanta With Musclesis a film with some problems.
Lets start with the biggest problem of all, which occurs on Hulk Hogans face.
Id like to direct you attention to the picture below.
Anyone care to explain what the fuck is going on over Hulk Hogans top lip?
Where is his proper moustache?
For no reason at all, Hulk Hogan just has a normal moustache rather than a Hulk Hogan moustache.
So, in other words, Christmas is ruined.
Were introduced to Hogans Blake Thorne as he fights his entire house staff on the grounds of his mansion.
He likes to stay combat sharp, you see.
The fight scenes are a bit likeThe RaidifThe Raidwas… nah, Im not doing that joke.
In fact, the whole film is much too long.
If your movie stars Hulk Hogan you only need 80 minutes.
Anything more and youre stretching your Hulkamania out too thin.
There is, obviously, aRocky IIIexception.
And none of this is to insult Hogans performance; his hammy turn here is exactly for the tone.
Whats he meant to do in an action comedy that features so many scenes of him relaxing happily?
Lights, camera, inaction!
The films villains, meanwhile, are trying to shut down an orphanage.
Its no wonder theyre the villains.
This element of the film is a bit odd.
Who am I meant to make fun of here?
One of these assistant villains essentially sprays farts into peoples faces, which Im on board with.
Weirdly, though, hes carrying little fart tanks around and using a fart hose.
Its not even how regular farting works.
Also, because of this character at one point your movie appears to spray farts all over itself.
The strangest character of the film, though, is Don Starks Lenny.
Lenny is introduced to us playing an elf at the mall.
As the film played out I found I had some questions for Lenny.
Here are some of them.
Seriously Lenny, what is going on with you?
Where did you get an adult size sheep onesie in an orphanage?
Do you just carry it around with you?
Thats quite a niche audience.
Ladies and gentlemen, this film had a theatrical release!
Santa With Musclesshould end much sooner than it does, and not just out of mercy for the audience.
Rather, Hulk almost saves the day at the end of the second act.
No, honestly, he does.
Incidentally, how did this film do at the box office?
No, I get it.
The film really struggles with the memory loss concept.
Hulk Hogan thinks hes really Santa, right?
But if he thinks hes Santa, what does he make of the fake beard and wig?
And, unrelated, are his leather gloves making anyone else feel uncomfortable?
It takes Hulk Hogan an hour to suspect that he might not be Santa Claus.
If theyd told him he was Jesus we may have gotten a sequel.
Just how many times did he get hit in the head?
Also, why did the orphanage people not tell him?
The Hulkster is only able to save the children because he ends up with a particularly convenient brain injury.
A wins a win.
Post memory return, were offered a parallel with an earlier scene to demonstrate how Thorne has been changed.
If anything, the second time around, he is acting like actively trying to kill the police.
And as if all that wasnt bad enough, the film somehow manages to make car chases boring.
Its a Christmas unmiracle!
Less forgivably,Santa With Musclessomehow manages to botch the concept of Santa Claus.
Look, Santas beating some guy up!
Then, in front of a crowd of awe-struck littleuns, he pummels the shit out of two guys.
Seeing Santa in a state of Hulkamania surely cant be good for children.
Really, all Santa preaches is be nice and youll be rewarded.
Thats Santas whole deal.
As Santa, Hulk Hogan finishes the film teaching orphans to laugh at prison inmates.
So, er, thatsSanta With Muscles, then.
Asides for an appearance from a young Mila Kunis, this one is really only notable because it exists.
And its taken me over 2000 words to say that!
Makes you question who the real villain is, doesnt it?
