We continue our hunt for quality bargain basement Christmas films!
The Santa Incident is not one!
The Santa Incidentcontains all of the necessary ingredients for a Christmas classic.
People who dont believe in Santa?
Doubters being won over by Santas jolly benevolence?
Cute but mildly irritating kids?
Over-worked single mother struggling to bring up her kids?
Shes an actual nurse, which certainly helps with the nursing element.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Heres exactly why this ho-hum Hallmark mis-step will never be regarded as a Christmas classic…
The Santa Incidentcontains some of the least Christmassy locations ever to have been featured in a seasonal kids movie.
Youre picturing the Christmas card, arent you?
Santa himself isnt particularly Christmassy, either.
He doesnt even sport his trademark Coca-Cola-colours until the very end.
InMiracle On 34th StreetId struggle to imagine Dickie Attenborough squeezing out a fart.
And thats not very festive at all.
her tone seems to convey.
Dont you know that we let old men die in this family?
Joannas approach to child safety is inconsistent, to say the least.
She doesnt believe that James Cosmo is Santa.
She believes hes a crazy old tramp, probably alcoholic, possibly dangerous.
Hey, Joanna, have you ever heard of a little thing called… the 1970s?
Operation Yulelog on line one!
Its not her fault, bless her.
The mother isnt alone in being an awful parent; the unseen parent is just as terrible.
Is it a swing-park?
Its a derelict room in an abandoned warehouse thats strewn with electrical cables and literally covered in gang graffiti.
What the hell is wrong with this family?
Theyre the classic comedy pairing: the supercilious, semi-psychopathic stickler and the bumbling baffoon.
Theyre Harris and Proctor fromPolice Academy; theyre Dick Dastardly and Muttley.
Under these circumstance, how could the laughs fail to be coaxed from our mouths?
Quite easily, as it turns out.
Moments later, hes attempting to suffocate a child to death with his bare hands.
Are kids supposed to laugh at this or be encouraged to embrace the horror of their own fragility?
Ha ha ha, I love to kill.
The best scene in the movie has to be the one where Cunningham falls into the water.
All we see is the aftermath of a seemingly human-less splash.
Which is rather unfortunate, because hes supposed to be one of the goodies.
Sheriff Hank shows up, but when Joanna turns around to point out her harasser… Roose is gone.
Hes just… vanished.
Hank doesnt bother looking for him, even though hes clearly only about three feet down the corridor.
But hes probably still in the garden, right, Joanna?
I mean, he literally walked away.
He didnt vanish into thin air like some mythical wizard.
Hank just shrugs, kicks back and tucks into some apple pie.
I believe Robocop wouldve done much the same thing.
Nice work, Santa.
No attempt to change their minds through the power of reason.
Just instant recourse to bio-magical warfare.
Enjoy all that blood on your hands, my fat friend.
Never mind that, though.
Not only that, but Hank and Joanna finally share a kiss.
You know, the nurse and the sheriff?
Yeah, they were… you know, that whole will-they-wont-they-thing that formed the crux of the movie?
Ah, forget it.
Just shrug, and then go find yourself a nice piece of apple pie.
