Iron Hero: the most inept superhero movie ever?

An Iron Man ‘homage’ where character names change halfway through.

Could Iron Hero be the worst superhero film of all time?

Its amazing what you find in the bargain basement racks sometimes.

The worst superhero film of all time, for a start.

The box alone for Iron Hero is brilliant.

The heart of Superman, the mind and body of the Terminator.

Part Man, Part Machine, All Hero.

The blurb on the back talks about a character who isnt in this movie.

The technical information gets both the aspect ratio and the runtime wrong.

Oh, and the 15 rating?

Its actually rated 12.

Since this version hasnt been passed by the BBFC Im technically a victim of crime.

I certainly feel like it having watched it.

It is hands down, the worst film I have ever seen.

And Iwrote aboutHighlander II.

In the opening scene, two generic criminals are stealing… paper, when in walks Iron Hero!

This scene is never mentioned again, probably because they reuse the actors in completely different roles.

The credits claim the music is by Mr Magoo.

Later, the credits will list an actors name as Count Smokula.

Also, it stars Reggie fromPhantasm.

Then he goes to school.

On the way he meets Lucy, who he makes small talk with.

Hes stalking her, and they never talk.

Or, theyre boyfriend and girlfriend and talk all the time.

This is not a film to pay attention to any continuity like that.

Also, next time we see Lucy, everyone calls her Julie.

I may have misheard it due to the horrendous sound mixing.

He is working on a super secret project, and Kyle is helping him out, possibly for money.

But something is clearly wrong, as evidenced by the Im sorry he keeps saying.

Then, some guys appear out of nowhere.

They want the suit, after years of searching.

What would be nice is if we knew what the suit did.

So far, all we know is that its resistant to cold, although that might be a cover.

Im going to take a wild guess that this suit is a bit like Iron Man.

Meanwhile, Kyle is still in the cold chamber, at an astonishing -40 degrees.

Dr Blake walks into the chamber and pulls Kyle out, so clearly it wasnt particularly cold in there.

Then, Dr Blake dies for no reason.

Should Kyle decide to kill, however, the powers he currently has are pretty limited.

He has the power to not be claustrophobic.

No, seriously, thats the first one we learn.

He can also morph back into his old appearance, via a bad bewitched cut.

Back at Kyles house, the bad men are there, busy murdering his parents.

Get used to this gun, its the only gun prop they have.

So the fight is that one of them waves the gun around a bit until Kyle pushes him over.

You see, it turns out the suit has a new power, super strength!

Outside, three more men attack, this time with pipes!

The back of the box identifies these men as ninjas.

Or at least, Im pretty sure thats her name.

Sometimes people call her Lisa Hamilton, and in one weird bit Sebastian calls her Major Doherty by mistake.

Anyway, turns out the helmet isnt quite working properly, which is what we already knew.

Her analysis is that everyone should try meditating until the problem goes away.

Also shes Marissas sister.

It depends on the scene.

The credits dont list her by either the name Diane or Lynette.

Something about Marissa being the daughter of some guy who worked with Dr Blake.

The only bit I did catch fully was them discussing Kyle.

Ill warn you now, this dialogue is delivered completely sincerely.

Marissa:He shows a strong sense of right and wrong.

Hes pretty level headed, preferring to think about situations before acting on them.

However it does show that he can be quite good at improvising when necessary.

Sebastian:Im afraid youve got to speak to me in laymans terms.

Time for the big bads plan to be revealed.

Despite the fact that logically, at this point, he shouldnt know Kyle has the real helmet.

But its okay, because this plan is never mentioned ever again.

Well, at least until she manages to fall over while standing completely still.

When Kyle wakes up he starts arguing with Blake about his purpose.

The exchange (paraphrased) is thus.

Marissa and assistant have made a discovery!

Then again, they arent great scientists, as this genuine excerpt shows.

Marissa:What are you doing?

Assistant:Fabricating test results.

Assistant:Why not?

Also, a lab that is made from 70s stereos and what looks like a rowing machine.

Then follows an odd segment where Iron Hero goes to the shops, and gets mugged.

I would say its pointless, but it introduces two new superpowers.

After shopping, Kyle is going… somewhere, but the henchmen have tracked him down.

Kyle then leaves, without doing whatever it was he was supposed to be doing in the first place.

Also some kid accidentally fires a nerf dart into the shot.

Then he heroically steals a car.

Turns out the henchmen kidnapped that girl from the beginning of the movie who Kyle was stalking.

You know, Lucy?

Except now shes called Julie.

But its okay, because Iron Hero is storming the compound to save the day!

Well, hes taking out the one unarmed guard.

In fact, this film forgets Kyle has superpowers as often as it gives him new ones.

But Iron Hero isnt allowed to kill, apparently, so Marissa tells him to go away.

The most interesting that happens in this fight is that a bin gets knocked over a bit.

He bravely rescues Julie using yet another new power: handcuff bending!

Marissa then faces off with Sebastian, over a matter of blood tests.

She injects him with… something, but it has no effect, except making him a bit angry.

As punishment Sebastian makes Marissa wear the helmet.

Instead of doing any of the things the helmet has done before, it turns her into a robot.

This is never mentioned again.

Kyle is very slowly walking out of the building, when he discovers a new power.

He can turn invisible, and also anyone he touches invisible!

And then the henchmen just find him anyway, making the invisibility completely pointless.

You might have a heart attack or a stroke.

Iron Hero, when hes tired, he has a heart attack.

Thats one bit I didnt think theyd nick fromIron Man.

Its at this point the film turns weird.

It turns out it was all a dream!

Kyle was just getting really into his WWII game and thought he was part of it.

You remember that bit in World War II where this guy dressed up like Iron Man, right?

To celebrate, he suddenly gets asthma.

You know, rendering his entire need to get the helmet COMPLETELY POINTLESS.

This new robot is called Mechaterror, except in the credits, where its listed as Metal Terror.

Mechaterror accidentally blows up a passing plane.

Against this terror Iron Hero is doomed, as it looks like he might be, er, strangled.

But its okay, he discovers a new power, he can shoot electricity out his elbows!

It doesnt actually do anything though, and then Mechaterror tries to have sex with him.

Then, just as it looks like Mechaterror will win, he explodes.

Sebastian gets annoyed, and then shoots him a bit, which doesnt work.

So, how does this end?

Im still trying to get my head around it.

that permanently attaches the helmet to her so they can team up to beat Sebastian.

So she knew about the secret helmet?

If she did, why did she spend so much time working on the second helmet?

Why did any of this film happen?

Anyway, Sebastian turns into giant testicle.

It is at this point the film abruptly ends.

Firstly, the credits roll over shots of Iron Hero flying, despite that NEVER HAPPENING.

Then, in a Marvel style post credits sequence, we see that Kyle and Marissa are now lovers.

And finally, the cast list gets the name wrong of many characters, including the TITLE CHARACTER.

I hate this film and want to go home, even though Im already home.