But it wasnt always such a motivational masterpiece.
And it was a more vicious attack on your brain cells than the FOXDIE virus.
Solid Snakes name is Solid Snake.
If youre writing an action book for kids and your main character is named Solid Snake, youre done!
Instead the author, F.X.
Nine, gives Snake the name Justin Halley.
Their cells betray adenosine-triphosphate into accepting secretly smuggled oxygen molecules instead of using regular metabolic functions.
The only person in the entireMetal Gearfranchise who didnt have a secret ulterior motive was FOXHOUNDs janitor.
Which they then quote in its entirety via CODEC.
And those really are the commanding officers names.
South and West arent codenames.
Prediction:Endless convoluted betrayals technically predict every plot point of the series.
Incredibly Ill-Equipped Action
You want to know how pointless the betrayals are?
The commanders were lying about the compass radio.
Its just a regular compass.
The endless double-crosses might explain why Justin is paranoid to the point of utter uselessness.
Everything in his universe might be poisoned: rations, cigarettes, magazines, etc.
If he remembered there was such a thing as air, hed think twice before breathing.
Luckily, hes so bad at stealth that hes unaware of anything he cant see.
But not before disturbing a group of monkeys to loudly announce his presence.
Hes detected by the very first guard dog he encounters.
Then the first conscious guard.
There are fireworks better at stealth than this guy.
Famous fireworks in globally published books written by famous authors like Oscar Wilde.
This is where the prediction gets spooky.
Prediction:This book predicted the funniest moment inMetal Gear Solidhistory: Snakes first meeting with Revolver Ocelot.
Check out the video above.
Even the games original cover is airbrushed to remove the gun.
The Worlds of Power series didnt have the budget for an artist.
The series would surprise me if they had the budget for a bottle of brand name paint thinner.
Here represented as instinct.
Checking underneath a certain tile in a prisoner shack inside a minefield.
Punching his way through a solid brick wall in a pitch dark room.
Refusing to take cigarettes even though theyre the most distinctive personal item in theMetal Gearfranchise.
The closest the terrorists come to defending their base is a high-explosive version of Three Card Monty.
Every single time, his instinct gets it right.
Predicts:Psycho Mantis!
Well forgive a lot when it comes to one of gamings greatest bosses.
They added an incomprehensibly tangled jungle maze whose solution route is never revealed.
Youre just expected to trudge through it until you get to the end.
Which reveals everything you should probably know about what Konami thought of their players.
Though at least they gave us great music to waste our time with.
But the real truth about the book is la-li-lu-le-lo-la-li-lu-le-lo.
(hey note that an endless stream of la-li-lu-le-lo would still be better written than this book.)
If a kid thinks books are stupid and boring, this book is only going to confirm their expectations.
But how could it fail?
Metal Gear is the most perfect book plot possible.
An elite secret agent against a desperate terrorist, with video game weapons and an ultimate world-threatening system.
Thats already several successful books and movie franchises.
How could it possibly fail so badly?
Prediction:Because it was meant to!
And this book is so bad it might cause your brain to forget how to read in self-defense.
Luke McKinney is a freelance contributor.
This article was first published on September 9, 2015.
