Sean Connery returns to play James Bond in Diamonds Are Forever.
It is not 007’s finest outing.
A strange offering this one, sandwiched between two considerably more significant films.
Undoubtedly a lightweight outing, despite featuring a heavyweight star in more ways than one.
The cartoonish tone is sharpened by lashings of violence and a surprisingly high body count.
A moribund Connery and garish Las Vegas add to the sense of a series going to seed.
Implausibilities abound throughDiamonds Are Forever.
I rather like it.
The Villain:Like buses, Blofelds come in threes.
After Donald and Telly, heres Charles utterly estranged from his predecessors in appearance and manner.
This Blofeld has hair, a penchant for crossdressing and a rather winning air of bonhomie.
So lets dig into the film.
And this is the one where Connery makes his first return to James Bond.
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But before I start properly, I must rectify a terrible mistake.
I keep referring the the producers as some kind of faceless collective in these retrospectives.
In fact these are perhaps the two most important men in the history of the franchise.
Their names were Albert R Broccoli and Harry Saltzman.
Without Broccoli and Saltzman, the franchise wouldnt exist.
So thanks, guys.
We owe you one.
The woman she voices is literally in the film for thirty seconds.
Couldnt they have chucked her the part for services rendered?
After the realism of the previous film, we quickly find ourselves in a laboratory that makes Blofelds.
Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
One presumes Bond hunts down Blofeld to avenge Tracy but the film never acknowledges this explicitly.
Indeed Tracy is mentioned a grand total of zero times.
The franchise seems almost embarrassed by its showcasing real emotion last time out.
You never saw me cry!
Most revealing, and depressing, is the early exchange with Moneypenny before Bond travels to Amsterdam.
After the standard flirt, he asks if she wants anything from Holland.
In a ring…?
He grins, makes some quip about a tulip and speeds off.
Moneypenny cheerily waves him on his way.
This isnt banishing Tracys ghost so much as jumping on her grave.
In fairness, perhapsDiamonds Are Foreverhad no choice.
The recasting of Bond and Blofeld stifles any emotional resonance from the previous film.
A vendetta story with genuine emotional heft.
Both protagonists are established enemies.
This isnt a sequel to the previous film but the culmination of the entire series, ever sinceDr.
Noannounced SPECTRE to the world.
Even a substandard film, even a weak film, would be bolstered by that premise.
Anything halfway decent immediately enters Top 5 territory.
That how much credit the payoff of On Her Majestys Secret Service bought.
AndDiamonds Are Foreverpissed it up the wall.
Another incongruity is the relentlessly cheery relationship between Bond and Blofeld.
Rather than mortal enemies, the pair shoot the breeze like a couple of old muckers.
Viewed through a frame of mutual dependence, the Bond-Blofeld battle actually starts making a lot more sense.
Why else would Blofeld repeatedly refuse to eliminate Bond when the latter is at his mercy?
How else to explain Bond continually returning the favour?
Come on, people Bond clearly recognised the real Blofeld in Willard Whytes apartment!
Even aged twelve I remember thinking, its the one in the chair!
Shooting the lookalike is just an excuse for the guys to get some alone time.
Theyre Tom and Jerry.
Charles Grey is my favourite Blofeld.
This Blofeld has a deadpan world-weariness that works very well against Connerys laconic-verging-on-comatose shtick.
Tiffany Case has the unenviable task of following Tracy.
But either this is a massive act or nobody had the energy to write another quality female lead.
Quickly Tiffany gets dumbed down, either making doe-eyes at Felix Im cooperating Mr Leiter.
Really I am or getting hysterical whenever somebody is offed.
A particular low comes in the climatic attack on Blofelds rig.
The real incompetent here isnt the character but the writers.
The Tiffany of the first act would never do that.
Also, note the bikini.
Further evidence: Kissy Suzuki, Mary Goodnight.
Honey Rider is the exception that proves the rule.
Alarmingly, Tiffany has heard of James Bond.
Bond as minor celebrity recurs throughout the franchise.
The films continually fluctuate between having Bond as an anonymous spy and being the espionage version of Harry Styles.
Messrs Wint and Kidd are divisive.
Mr Wint is superbly sinister, highly camp but ruthlessly effective.
And what a moustache!
Granted, Wint and Kidd are very detached from Blofeld, their supposed employer.
They are hitmen, not henchmen, and this works in their favour.
Wint and Kidd are the only explicitly gay characters in the Bond franchise.
Wint and Kidd are repeatedly deadly and never played for laughs in the manner ofMoonrakerJaws or Sheriff Pepper.
They are killers who happen to be gay rather than gay killers.
The one dubious moment is Wints enthusiastic squeal when Bond gives him a wedgie.
Diamonds Are Foreveris packed with memorable supporting characters.
Willard Whyte, the reclusive billionaire and a slightly less mental version of Howard Hawks.
Bambi and Thumper, the two Amazonians who kick the crap out of Bond before foolishly going aquatic.
Shady Tree and Mrs Whistler, two smugglers old enough to know better.
I find it hard to judge if the Las Vegas setting is a mistake or masterstroke.
It certainly heightens, perhaps even creates, the jaded, slightly tawdry atmosphere ofDiamonds Are Forever.
Much time is spent inside casinos; even Q is seen playing the slots.
Yet strangely it sort of works.
But stick Sean amidst the craps tables of Sin City and suddenly he looks the part.
His steadfast indifference is a fine counterpoint to the noise and junk of Vegas.
Bond is an old dog, uninterested in learning new tricks but confident the ones he knows will suffice.
In a town obsessed with new tricks, that bestows no small amount of integrity.
And where better than Vegas to send a star only doing it for the money?
That isnt a criticism, quite.
Connerys downbeat performance anchors the film quite nicely.
And downbeat is generous: in bed with Tiffany, he genuinely looks on the verge of falling asleep.
Speaking of which… giant laser!
Blofeld is rather a pioneer as shooting stuff from space will become a great favourite of villainy.
Indeed Gustav Graves steals the idea completely, diamonds and all.
Everything glows a bright and unconvincing red before exploding in the distance.
The peril, though, feels as real as Acme dynamite.
Not even the slightest pretence is made that Bond might bite the bullet.
The one vaguely alarming moment is Bonds near-cremation by Wint and Kidd.
Connery looks almost discomforted.
Nor is there any acknowledgement to the fortune of Bonds escape.
Two other scenes illustrate the lack of peril or, conversely, the heightened sense of fun.
The first is Bonds interment in an oil pipeline on Blofelds orders.
By some miracle, no builder spots Bond when fitting the pipe into the ground.
Normally, Bond must thwart the villains method of execution.
The payoff line about the rat excuses much.
The second is Bonds arrival on Blofelds base.
What if Blofeld just shoots him?
Or simply leaves the giant ball floating in the sea?
That, at least, is the purist opinion.
Not that it matters, but Im in the latter camp.
Well see Sean again.
But never in a proper Bond film so farewell for now, Big Guy.
You arent the best James Bond; youareJames Bond.
Whether you like it or not.
Best Bit:Alimentary Doctor Leiter.
Definitely the cleverest line of the series.
Worst Bit:Everybody mocked Bond when he took those Moon Buggy driving lessons.
But now we can endure a really dull chase.
Final Thought:Bond never kisses anyone!
(Except Plenty, in heavy shadow, for like a second.)
