A pirates life might be for me, but this week’s Crossbones sure isn’t.
Check out our pirate expert’s review.
God, that was a mess.
I love pirates, but even love will only take you so far.
Here we are with episode three of NBCsCrossbones.
We begin with Blackbeard thinking.
Hes got a lot to think about.
Its not a bad idea.
This is the way a real pirate does things, through manipulation of allies, not with brute force.
The elegant finesse speaks much more to the legend than mass murder.
But the business of the first child born to Blackbeards people is just preposterous.
Blackbeard didnt grow all the folks on this island from seeds.
Real pirates acquired followers as they went along.
And those people will have been mating, breeding and dying all this time.
Sponges dipped in vinegar arent THAT reliable as birth control.
I can only hope that the triangle between Kate, Lowe, and James will provide a little drama.
An island this size doesnt need fruit, or meat, or vegetables.
It needs flour and gunpowder and iron.
But it doesnt really matter, its just an excuse to get her captured.
The whole pace of this episode feels frantic.
What are the authorities going to accuse these people of?
Trading with a former pirate?
Because Blackbeard obviously hasnt robbed anyone in a while.
How are they even going to prove Blackbeard is Blackbeard?
The beard is gone.
(In fact, some people say thats why the real man grew a beard in the first place…
So he could shave it off later and retire in peace.)
Weve seen no incriminating pirate ship.
Theres simply no reason for these people to evacuate.
And how are they going to do it?
Where are the boats?
My God, what are the redcoats going to think?
I hear a baby crying, it must be Blackbeard!
Or are they just going to kill everyone on the basis that they may have known the pirate?
Think about that for a minute.
What theyve got right is Blackbeards speech about money in the new world.
Money trumps everything, Money trumps God.
Its true, and it was true.
Why, oh why is this happening?
Money trumps all in the New World.
Blackbeard is officially dead.
Why is Jagger still chasing him?
Jaggers fortune rides on the fact that hes the man who killed Blackbeard.
He has nothing to gain and everything to lose.
And why is anyone helping him?
Somebodys tax dollars have to pay for this, and there are plenty of live pirates still running around.
Someone must notice this mad behavior.
And this one is such a easy fix.
Two lines of dialogue… Kates rescue is okay.
John Malkovich as action hero works pretty well.
I just wish some tiny bit of the plot made sense.
The character of the pirate woman Nenna.
Shes a pirate, and she acts like a pirate.
And if shes been stealing from other pirates, shes actually got a reason to bury some treasure.
Riders bare back, with the old whip marks.
Blackbeards clothes when he heads out to rescue Kate.
Oh, not the Navy ship dashing along all contrary to the wind and carrying a hundred guns.
Yes, folks, thats what the real ones sailed.
Small, fast, and maneuverable.
Furthermore, boats on this scale dont have to be CGd.
Theyre authentic and pretty.
I havent seen this here.
Blackbeard is… Well, Blackbeard.
Who do we cheer for?
Who needs cheering for?
Ill watch the next one, but only to see what insanity materializes next.
Shall I give it 2 stars?
Was it raised to the level of 2 stars by Malkovichs coat?
No, I think not.
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Rating:
1.5 out of 5
