Don’t split up.
And whatever you do, don’t get too attached to your pets…
This article originally appeared onDen of Geek UK.
Hearing bumps in the night?
Watched a haunted video cassette?
Had a phone call from raspy voiced stranger with an eerie warning?
Surrounded by flesh eating ex-humans?
What youre actually doing is filming a found footage movie.
So just do as youre told and stop filming everything.
This isnt your subtle, well hidden, film studies jot down of foreshadowing either.
Why not just go home as soon as you get a bit creeped out.
Yeah the jock guy and his airheaded cheerleader girlfriend will laugh at you but who cares?
So cosy up and make a dent in your Netflix queue.
You know it makes sense.
Not a good idea.
Everything is out to get you and get you it shall.
To which Brad will respond by thumping them on the arm and questioning their sexuality.
Youre a bit of a dick sometimes, theoretical Brad.
Dogs hardly ever make it through horror films.
Better to just turn the TV up until the noise goes away and Google pet shops.
So everythings gone mildly horrorshow but youre still not one hundred percent fearing for your life.
It might sound obvious now but hey turn a light on.
If the fuses have tripped, then its a different ball game.
Halfway down the stairs the match will burn your finger and youll be forced to drop it.
It serves you right for not taking a flashlight.
Occasionally in your horror movie experience you might be lucky enough to chance upon an oddball.
Each of these fantastical beings will be able to tell you exactly whats going on.
Oddball children are usually computer whizz kids too.
Imagine if you will.
Unfortunately you cant just go out there and run after Mr. Schuester with a shovel.
Look around your surroundings and put together an outfit that will afford you some protection.
Trapped in a school?
Why not head for the gym and cobble together some armor made from an American football kit.
Under siege in a shopping mall?
You should be able to find all manner of things to wear that are tougher than bare skin.
And for heavens sake once youve got a weapon dont drop it for no reason.
Whats wrong with you?
At some point you and your rapidly-diminishing group will be tasked with finding a minor plot point.
Splitting up is the worst idea sinceTwilightsex toys.
Theres never any mobile reception in these films, you know that.
But it doesnt have to be that way.
Youre not even trying to stay alive.
You look down at its prone form.
Nows your chance, high on adrenaline your fight or flight response kicks in and you choose…
Seriously youre starting to worry us now, is everything okay at home?
Have you been having dark thoughts?
Why are you letting this thing live?
Smash it in the head a few times, jump on it, reverse a car over it.
Get revenge for all those cheerleaders.
Well, our time together will soon come to an end.
Remember facing hordes of zombies armed with nothing but a flip flop?
Thats because youre an idiot.
Maybe, just maybe, youre a Deus ex Machina.
But happily for you, you didnt actually die and now its time for your glorious comeback.
If you were a selfish jerk this is the time for your shot at redemption.
The main character has been cornered.
Maybe youll be in a tank, wouldnt that be cool?
Okay, the credits are so close you could almost hear Trent Reznor tuning his guitar.
Congratulations on your continued survival despite the frankly suicidal choices you made along the way.
How did we not see this coming?
Im sorry to say theres nothing we can do to help you on this one.
