We don’t watch zombie movies to root for the heroes.
We sit and wait for them to get torn to bits by shambling hordes of undead zombies.
God, it was really, really, awesome.
Of course, it might have been more awesome if he had tripped on an actual zombie.
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But what could be more awesome than zombies?
A Zombie Redneck Torture Family!
And no one does zombie redneck torture likeCabin in the Woods Patience Buckner.
But what she lacks in home life and personality, she more than makes up for in ass-kicking.
What other monster in movie history can say they took out Sigourney Weaver with an axe to the head?
Eat your hearts out, you stupid aliens.
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9. can you hear me?
Not when Poppa has been eviscerated by his little girl.
Such a well-mannered child.
But if Shaun and Ed are idiots, what does that say about the complete morons who followed them?
Im talking about Liz, David, and Dianne not the shambling mob of zombies trailing behind them.
When everything goes to hell, as we all knew it would, it is David who suffers most.
And I mean that literally.
The zombie horde drags David out the window and promptly rips him limb from limb.
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7.
And her death was pretty cool too devoured by zombies during a toxic rainstorm.
Heck, it was almost romantic.
Also, extra points for emerging from the grave like a graceful ballerina!
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6.
Zombie Mob and Capt.
Rhodes, who was, and we have to be honest here, a dick.
How can you tell if you are being a dick during the apocalypse?
Everyone is rooting for the zombies to kill you.
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5.
Rhodes, British Major Henry West was also a dick.
Sure, he had good intentions.
Maybe find a couple of nice ladies to help them repopulate and set up a new world order.
But we all know what happens with good intentions.
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4.
He was becoming the moral center of the group.
Yet, his impassioned plea for mercy on behalf of a stranger fell on deaf ears.
Was he right to beg his friends to keep their humanity?
Or were Rick and Shane right for leading the group down a darker path?
Sadly, Dale will never know, thanks to his totally unexpected disembowelment by Carls swamp zombie.
An ironic death and a bit bizarre.
After all, swamp zombie had just finished gorging on a (clearly slow moving) cow.
I guess Dale was dessert?
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3.
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2.
How sick you ask?
Sick enough to terrorize lots and lots of naked ladies.
I dont know about you, but I always like to fantasize about my zombie contingency plan.
Where would I go, how would I hide?
What if there was nowhere to hide?
What if zombies are everywhere?
In the water, on your secluded island home, spying on you as you shower?
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1.
Underwater Zombie and Shark
You know what my favorite past time is?
Naked underwater scuba diving in shark and zombie infested water.
In this glorious Italian film, there is a scene of a zombie fighting a shark.
I repeat: A ZOMBIE FIGHTING A SHARK.
There is nothing better, no zombie attack scene more glorious.
Did I say glorious?GLORIOUS!
This article originally ran on Oct. 26, 2014.
